Please note. I’m not trying to frame myself as some kind of expert or therapist. As an adult with a long dating career within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints community (there has to be an easier way to say that) I’ve talked about porn with people I love my fair share.  This week I talked with thousands of women on Instagram about porn and this is what stuck out to me. (You can watch the stories in the 'Porn' highlight here.)

1. People are torn.

On one hand, couples wish there was more conversation about porn to help normalize the struggle and decrease the shame. When I say “normalize” I don’t mean people want to say “Hey, looking at porn is normal and fine.” What I do mean is everyone would benefit from understanding how common this issue is. So many people would feel less alone and less like monsters. Whether you realize it or not, everyone has some kind of porn history. Maybe we should stop responding in shock and horror when someone decides to talk about it.

On the flip side, it really is no one’s business. I’m a big believer that we, as a Church community, could benefit from better personal boundaries. Sure, it is important to be authentic and open with people to build connection and help others. However, no one should ever feel pressured to share something so personal in a public setting. (For more on healthy boundaries I suggest anything from Brene Brown.)

            See the dilemma? This is such a sensitive issue that it makes complete sense why people don’t talk about it openly. But at the same time, by not talking about porn, other than the occasional scary talks, people can feel isolated. The issue starts to feel unique and extreme because those are the stories we tend to hear after things go really south.

2. People who view porn are not bad people.

We all have heard those heart-breaking stories where someone who looks at porn abuses their spouse or children or does something terrible. These stories are often the ones that go public and so it can feel like anyone who looks at porn will likely follow a similar path. Is porn bad? Yes! Can extreme porn habits and genres lead to extreme behavior? Yes! However, terrible actions are more about the person than their porn habits. People who are terrible people do terrible things. They sometimes also look at porn. While it can feel nice to have something to point to and blame besides the person just being a poor person, correlation is not causation. 

Maybe think of it like driving a car. Every day people die in horrific car crashes, but there are so many who don't. Of course, we all should take the necessary steps to keep ourselves as safe as possible while driving a car. However, just because someone you know had a terrible car experience, doesn't mean you will. Please note: you could twist this to say I'm advocating that it's ok to look at porn. I'm not. I'm just trying to say every story is different.)

There are millions of people viewing porn who will never and would never harm another person. We are all surrounded by and love people who look at porn. Your coworker, your Sunday school teacher, the newest beehive in your ward, or seminary president all could have some type of history with porn. Do they have a bad habit? Yes. Are they bad people? No. Do you have any bad habits? Do your bad habits make you a bad person?

3. People aren’t sharing their porn histories before marriage and I get why.

The story we tell in our culture about porn and people who look at it is that it changes their brains,  ruins families,  destroys their spouses, leads to abuse and affairs, and they’re all addicts. We like this story because we think it is going to scare people so bad that it will keep them from looking at porn.

• First, the obvious. It’s not. People are still looking at porn.

• Second, it’s not what Jesus would do. Jesus doesn’t use fear to keep us on the path. He uses love. We don’t stay on the path out of fear of what is lurking in the mists of darkness. We stay on the path because it leads to the Tree of Life. There has to be a more Christlike was to talk about the risks without feeding the shame monster. 

• Third, this story is just not true. Is it true for some? Yes. For all? No. If we paint everyone one who has ever looked at porn with this wide of a brush, then why would they ever own up to it?

Why is this a problem? Besides being dishonest, it’s keeping people who do look at porn from the help they need. This story we tell feeds a monster of shame that blocks them from getting the light that will help them become more like Christ. We can’t dangle the atonement of Jesus Christ as the healing balm they ache for and play whack-a-mole when anyone tries to reach for it. I mean, we can and we have been, but it’s pretty messed up. 

4. People need to talk about porn at the appropriate time in a courtship because it is the only honest and fair thing to do.

Opening up and sharing this part of your story can be really scary. The person you love and admire may respond a million ways. There is a chance they may walk away, but that is their choice. You can’t make that choice for them. Not telling them is not honest and it’s not fair.

The truth will come out one day. The two of you will have to face it eventually and it’s going to be a whole lot worse when they realize you have been keeping a big secret from them the entire time. Dishonesty from the person they are supposed to always be able to trust is a serious blow.

Talking about porn is a hard discussion. Talking about porn and abuse of trust is an even harder discussion.

At the right place and at the right time, please talk to the person you are seriously dating about your porn history. If you don’t have a porn history and your person hasn’t brought the conversation up with you, you should bring it up. I feel it is the responsibility of the person who has something to share to start the conversation, but we all need to do our due diligence. Remember, the people you love and admire have looked at porn. You are justified in feeling what you need to feel but do your best to stay call. Ask the questions you need to ask. Don’t make any assumptions. Approach the conversation with love. You’re not checking for flaws in your perfect person. You are learning about the experiences that make the person you love who they are.

When it comes to feelings, I have found it really helpful to ask myself “am I responding this way because I honestly feel these emotions or am I responding according to how I’ve been told I should respond to this situation?” I hope that makes sense. It’s kind of like asking yourself “Do I honestly like enjoy this food or do I like it just because everyone on Instagram seems to be obsessed with it?”

5. We need to include women in the porn conversation more.

Women look at porn. Women are in relationships with people who look at porn. Women raise children who look at porn. We need to include women in this discussion because they are living it.

I received so many messages from women who said they never felt like they could talk to anyone about their porn habits because it was seen as a “guy problem.” What young girl wants to be labeled as the girl with a guy problem? My guess is not many.

Just to be safe. I’m going to repeat that women look at porn. This doesn’t mean we need to release the shame monster on them, too. It does mean that we need to have more calm, honest, healthy, and frank discussions with our daughters about porn.

Also, please stop teaching young women that they should only marry men who have never looked at porn. This is an extremely unhealthy expectation that leads to a lot of heartaches.

IMPORTANT: Please PLEASE PLEEEAAASSSSEEEE don't read this an effort to discredit the true pain people have experienced. In my life, I have experienced and seen both sides of the spectrum. I am not stranger to the devastation porn can leave in its wake. My heart aches for the other hearts in the thick of this experience. It is no joke. It is an emotional rollercoaster that flips you around so often and so hard that it can begin to be difficult to feel at all. Please know we see you. There is a lot of justified hurt and there is hope. 

Image credit @rachelosguthorpe